Perspective
Untitled Page
Function over fashion
What’s wrong with rocking your bad self at the beach in a Speedo?
By William LobdellPublished: September 01, 2010
I’ve always marveled at how some ballsy marketing genius got Americans to buy bottled water at prices north of a gallon of gasoline – when they could drink aqua for pennies from the tap.
He or she is not alone in creating a need for useless products. American consumers have fallen for fad diets and detox programs, “Two and a Half Men” and “The View,” and the Jonas Brothers and U2.
And since this is Orange County – home of the surf-wear industry – let’s just get another consumer con out in the open: boardshorts.
Quiksilver, O’Neill, Hurley International and other surf-wear giants have successfully brainwashed the beach-going public into thinking that boardshorts are the only acceptable bathing suit, when objectively there’s a much better alternative: the humble Speedo.
You’re laughing, right? All that marketing has turned your rational mind to mush.
Think about this: Are boardshorts really that much different than those long bathing suits men and women wore around the turn of the 20th century?
Boardshorts are big and baggy, and dangle down past a man’s knees. In the water, they act like a sea anchor, making swimming next to impossible as you drag a parachute of material behind you.
Once out of the water, the trunks serve as a wet (and very cold) blanket that covers half of your legs. Ever try walking for even a short time in a soaking pair of boardshorts? You are chafed everywhere.
And don’t get me started on the lily-white thighs.
It would be hard to design a less- functional piece of swimwear. Women instinctively know this, having long ago abandoned the 1900s-style bathing suits for bikini and other tight-fitting, fast-drying, swim-friendly bottoms.
Men have cheered the women’s evolution to shorter and tighter bathing suits. But ask females about guys wearing Speedos, and they’ll uniformly reply, “Yuck.” This is another symptom of the collective brainwashing undertaken by an industry that profits by selling tons more swimwear material than needed to men. Why wouldn’t a healthy gal want to see more of a man’s body?
Unfortunately for men, Speedos have become a joke, something that could only be worn at a swim practice – or in the south of France. This is a sportswear travesty.
Over the years, I’ve conducted – unsuccessfully, I should add – a one-man campaign to ignite the popularity of Speedos on California’s beaches. I regularly, and proudly, rock my size-34, navy blue Speedo on the beaches of Newport and Huntington.
If you must know, I use a pair of boardshorts the way a female uses a cover-up, unveiling my bad self once I establish a beachhead on the sand. And I don’t ditch the boardshorts if my kids are with me because they’ve begged me – literally with tears in their eyes – not to Speedo-it in their presence.
My Speedo experiment draws a variety of reactions. I hear a lot of, “Dude, that guy must be from Europe,” “Wow, a Speedo” and more than a few giggles. Some people, apparently speechless, just point. And a couple of gay guys have tried to pick me up.
But none of that matters – though the gay guy stuff is flattering. Maybe my one-man crusade to popularize the Speedo will never catch on. But I’ll never be a slave to a fashion that doesn’t make sense. I’m the kind of guy who has always gotten his water from the tap.
William Lobdell is a longtime Orange County journalist and author of “Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America—and Found Unexpected Peace.”
Get headlines in your hand at OCMETRO.com/apps
|
||||
|
He or she is not alone in creating a need for useless products. American consumers have fallen for fad diets and detox programs, “Two and a Half Men” and “The View,” and the Jonas Brothers and U2. And since this is Orange County – home of the surf-wear industry – let’s just get another consumer con out in the open: boardshorts. Quiksilver, O’Neill, Hurley International and other surf-wear giants have successfully brainwashed the beach-going public into thinking that boardshorts are the only acceptable bathing suit, when objectively there’s a much better alternative: the humble Speedo. You’re laughing, right? All that marketing has turned your rational mind to mush. Think about this: Are boardshorts really that much different than those long bathing suits men and women wore around the turn of the 20th century? Boardshorts are big and baggy, and dangle down past a man’s knees. In the water, they act like a sea anchor, making swimming next to impossible as you drag a parachute of material behind you. Once out of the water, the trunks serve as a wet (and very cold) blanket that covers half of your legs. Ever try walking for even a short time in a soaking pair of boardshorts? You are chafed everywhere. And don’t get me started on the lily-white thighs. It would be hard to design a less- functional piece of swimwear. Women instinctively know this, having long ago abandoned the 1900s-style bathing suits for bikini and other tight-fitting, fast-drying, swim-friendly bottoms. Men have cheered the women’s evolution to shorter and tighter bathing suits. But ask females about guys wearing Speedos, and they’ll uniformly reply, “Yuck.” This is another symptom of the collective brainwashing undertaken by an industry that profits by selling tons more swimwear material than needed to men. Why wouldn’t a healthy gal want to see more of a man’s body?Unfortunately for men, Speedos have become a joke, something that could only be worn at a swim practice – or in the south of France. This is a sportswear travesty. Over the years, I’ve conducted – unsuccessfully, I should add – a one-man campaign to ignite the popularity of Speedos on California’s beaches. I regularly, and proudly, rock my size-34, navy blue Speedo on the beaches of Newport and Huntington. If you must know, I use a pair of boardshorts the way a female uses a cover-up, unveiling my bad self once I establish a beachhead on the sand. And I don’t ditch the boardshorts if my kids are with me because they’ve begged me – literally with tears in their eyes – not to Speedo-it in their presence. My Speedo experiment draws a variety of reactions. I hear a lot of, “Dude, that guy must be from Europe,” “Wow, a Speedo” and more than a few giggles. Some people, apparently speechless, just point. And a couple of gay guys have tried to pick me up. But none of that matters – though the gay guy stuff is flattering. Maybe my one-man crusade to popularize the Speedo will never catch on. But I’ll never be a slave to a fashion that doesn’t make sense. I’m the kind of guy who has always gotten his water from the tap. William Lobdell is a longtime Orange County journalist and author of “Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America—and Found Unexpected Peace.” Get headlines in your hand at OCMETRO.com/apps |
||||